[00:00:00] John Clark: What’s up brothers? I am John Michael Clark, I’m sailing solo today. But we’re going to have a good time, we’re going to do some Q&A, questions that you guys have submitted. These came in through the Facebook group, so if you’re on Facebook, get into The Family Captain Facebook group, you’ll find it, and we’ll hook you up there. And from time to time, you’ll see us looking for questions that you want us to answer here on the podcast, and we’re going to dig into it.
[00:00:22] John Clark: Without further ado, we’re going to hop right in. First question, why am I wrong, and my wife is right? There’s more context here, but I want to speak to the heart of that one first of all because a lot of guys can relate to it right out of the gate. It doesn’t even matter what the subject matter is. There is an assumption, there’s an understanding, there’s a joke at this point, that the wife is always right, and the husband’s always wrong.
[00:00:46] John Clark: Oh buddy, even if she’s right, or even if she’s actually wrong, she’s still right. There are reels that they go around, videos of TV shows from the 90s when this stuff was really [00:01:00] having a heyday that whole indoctrination going on. I think the show is Roseanne, but the son walks into the kitchen, he goes, Dad, me and my girlfriend are having a fight, but she’s totally wrong about blah blah blah and dad goes, it doesn’t matter, just say you’re sorry.
[00:01:14] John Clark: But I didn’t do anything wrong, say you’re sorry. But I didn’t do anything wrong, say you’re sorry. I’m sorry, now you’re ready to be a good boyfriend, and now you’ll be a great husband. And the audience, of course, it’s all so funny. That’s an extreme, that’s a caricature, and yet many men can relate to it, why is that?
[00:01:29] John Clark: We don’t have time to dig into all of the roots of it, but I really do believe that women, generally speaking, have a giant ego compared to men. And the reason for that is men’s egos are kept in check by other men. So, when a man has a big ego, he’s peacocking. There’s a lot of presentation, there’s a lot of, look at me, a lot of deliberate chest beating. And everybody works to cut him down to size when that happens, everybody does. Friends, family, men, women, it doesn’t matter. Hey man, calm it down. And maybe he’ll pipe down, maybe he won’t. But [00:02:00] most of the time, he will. Because he’s told he’s being toxic.
[00:02:03] John Clark: And this has gone on for a long time. Men keep each other in check anyway. But when a woman has a big ego, she gets applauded for it, she gets congratulated for it, she doesn’t get corrected for it. Because if you correct her for it, then you’re an egomaniac for even saying that. How dare you?
[00:02:16] John Clark: So, there’s all kinds of mental gymnastics and emotional terrorism. We’re going to talk more about that. There’s a lot of emotional terrorism that happens around the subject. But it’s been surprising to me working and coaching Christian men for three and a half years now, are we at 4 years? I don’t know where we are anymore.
[00:02:33] John Clark: No, we’re coming up on 4 years, almost 4 years of coaching Christian men full-time. It’s been shocking to find out like, yeah, dude, my wife is like literally never apologized in our 15 years of marriage. I’m going, you and your wife’s a believer, bro? And he’s, Oh my goodness, absolutely, no doubt in my mind. And I’m sure she is, but this thing has allowed to just fester. Because her husband can’t bring it up, I suppose or isn’t willing to, and Pastor Melvin isn’t gonna touch it with a 10-foot pole.
[00:02:59] John Clark: So [00:03:00] anyway, why am I wrong and my wife is right? I already don’t like the question, it’s like the self-pity, wimpy approach. Which is already giving up the appropriate perspective of truth. Truth is truth, I’m going to say what’s true, I’m going to acknowledge what’s true, and I’m not gonna be pitiful in the process, I’m not going to be a victim of anybody.
[00:03:19] John Clark: But when a guy says, why am I wrong and my wife is right? First of all, stop it, don’t talk that way. What is your actual question? Is your question, why does my wife never apologize? Is your question, why does my wife never think she’s wrong? Why is my wife so prideful? That’s a different conversation. Why is my wife so condemning and shaming of all that I do? All different conversations. But we’re not going to play along with the stupidity of Roseanne or anything else. There was a reel, I saw just the other day, it was a comedian.
[00:03:48] John Clark: He had posted a grid, but it’s different outcomes. When Don is wrong and Laura is right, Don is wrong. When Laura’s wrong and Don is right, Don is wrong [00:04:00] again. And he keeps showing all the scenarios and the audience is just laughing, yes, Don is always wrong. Oh, it’s so funny. And then he said, when Don is wrong and Laura is wrong, Don’s wrong.
[00:04:09] John Clark: So in every other scenario, Laura was right. And in the last scenario, Laura didn’t say she was right, but Don was the one who was wrong. How does nonsense like this persist? Because of cowardice, because of a lot of other reasons, and then he ends it with, I’d rather be happy than be right. Yeah, but the thing I know about Don is that he’s not happy. And I know that about Laura as well. So this isn’t loving, this isn’t good, this isn’t wholesome. Why? Because it makes everyone a liar. It makes you a liar as a man to live this way, and it makes your wife a tyrant. The one she accuses you of being whenever you have an opinion, that one.
[00:04:39] John Clark: And again, I’m talking to a low bar here. Some of you guys are like, dude, I don’t relate to any of this, I don’t either. And praise God for that, and yet, this is common. This is like a marriage that’s like at a 4, in my opinion. You might say, dude, my marriage is at 8 and my wife’s like that. Then I would say, brother, I don’t think your marriage is at 8. It ain’t on my scale, all these scales are relative for each of us, right? But a bro tells me that this kind of stuff’s going on, my wife’s literally [00:05:00] never apologized in 15 years of marriage. And I’m like, that ain’t good. That’s really not good.
[00:05:04] John Clark: Do you apologize, bro? Absolutely, I take ownership of the outcomes, and I repent of my sin. But it’s her childhood, or income the excuses and the reasons, why her sin has to happen and it’s excusable. Let’s keep going, why am I wrong and my wife is right? I asked this brother, and I was like, Bro, I need more context, I need you to be more clear. He said, my desire and ambition are contrary for who I want around me. My circle, people I trust, and people I see eye to eye with. It just goes contrary to what my wife believes that we want in life. All this didn’t make sense, but I pieced it all together through further conversation with him.
[00:05:34] John Clark: He said, the people around excite my self-destructive tendencies and don’t have much ambition in life. He clarified, that my current circle is not ideal for where I want to go. My current circle can’t take me for where I want to go. He said, but maybe that’s where I fall short in not believing in myself and being content. And yet, I believe there is more and a happy ending could be happier. We got down to the bottom of it. This brother is saying, I need to [00:06:00] change my inner circle, the people who have the most influence around me. Because my ambitions are different, and he didn’t get into the details about his wife’s objections here. But your wife’s objections simply are not relevant when it comes to this thing.
[00:06:12] John Clark: Why is my wife right and why am I wrong? That already shows me that you’re giving up a lot of power. And dude, we’re not even talking about headship and submission here. We’re talking about basic human boundaries, and you just casting your own vote as a man and saying, here’s what I want, and here’s what I’m going. So, what’s the famous quote where the sum total of the 5 people who spend the most time around? I think we talked about this in the last podcast. If you put the top 5 influencers in my life, and put them in a can, and shook them up. It spits out John Michael and you go, that’s true of me too.
[00:06:38] John Clark: I’ve found it to be true, whenever I tested in my life, you’re going to find it to be true as well. You take the top 5 influences, you put them in a can, shake it up, and spit it out, it’s roughly going to be you. But I don’t like where I’m at, then you have to change those top 5 influences. You don’t have to say goodbye, you’re dead to me. You don’t have to condemn these people to the lake of fire. But you do have to change the influence and increase the time thing. But [00:07:00] that’s not something that you even have to discuss with your wife. Hey, babe, I just want you to know, I’m formally going to be making these changes.
[00:07:05] John Clark: I don’t think you should do that! Joey’s a great guy! She’s going to have all kinds of reasons for this. If you start leveling up, almost everybody, when you start to level up, it’s going to pull you back down. Why? Because it challenges them, it makes them feel conviction for not wanting more, for not doing better.
[00:07:21] John Clark: We see this oftentimes, in friendship circles, the guy who starts working out, they’re like, okay, Arnold, what are you gonna start taking steroids now too? Dude, if that’s your friend circle, Man, that’s super gross and super alarming. You have got people who are just leeches, and just trying to suck the life out of you. And they don’t want to see you succeed, why? Because they’re so lazy because they’re not content in a healthy way. They’re actually just squandering what the Lord has given them. The one talent, they took it, and they said, I’m gonna bury it and do nothing with it. And those gym guys or the people who do this and the people who do that.
[00:07:56] John Clark: I’ve received that accusation before too. When I talk about how you think the [00:08:00] scale goes to 10 and the Lord shows you, it goes to a 100. Do you think the scale goes to a hundred? The Lord shows you, it goes to a thousand. And brothers and be like, when is enough, enough? First of all, stop with the whining. Second of all, we’re talking about the principle of multiplication and being faithful with what you’ve had. When is enough, enough? Why would I want to make more money in my business? Because I can build more churches and feed more people, and take care of my entire clan and make sure none of my family ever goes into a nursing home?
[00:08:26] John Clark: This is just a stupid question. It’s the kind of question that selfish people ask and that people who are actually jealous and envious, that’s the kind of thing that they do. So, you don’t have to tell your wife what you’re doing because she may try and sabotage your efforts, my wife’s Godly and wise. If your wife’s Godly and wise then she wouldn’t be fighting you on that. She’d be saying, yeah, babe, that makes sense, I trust you, let’s do that differently.
[00:08:45] John Clark: But if y’all are used to like inviting over that couple that is just like lukewarm Christians, and y’all are like this group of lukewarm Christians together. And we just pat each other on the back about our lukewarm Christianity, Bro, you need to run for your life, and you need to pursue the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and [00:09:00] strength. But with this other thing, I don’t know if this is business related, I don’t know whatever.
[00:09:03] John Clark: But wherever you want to grow, Man, you have to change that influence your wife thinking it’s wrong, isn’t really relevant. Don’t sit around debating it, keep it short and to the point, Hey, I’m going to have lunch with Jeff. Jeff from church? Jeff, the guy who owns like 17 businesses? What are you going to sweep his factory? That’s a discouraging and sad and disgruntled woman. And what can we do about that? We’ll stick around, there’s a lot you can do to influence her. But step one is going, that was gross. Anyway, I’ll see you later, and boom, you head out the door with your happy-go-lucky self. But what did you do? You named the thing, that was gross. What? I’m just joking, and boom, you’re moving on.
[00:09:38] John Clark: And you have lunch with Jeff. And then she’s curious, how’d it go with Jeff? You’re like, it went good. Smart dude, I got a lot to learn from him. I really enjoyed it. So what? Are you gonna invest in business now? If she’s cynical and snarky or whatever. Again, this is really, really low-grade stuff. This is level 4, level 3. This is a red flag kind of stuff. So, I’m giving like worst-case scenarios here because you didn’t give me a lot of the context. But no brother, you should multiply what you have, [00:10:00] and you should absolutely surround yourself with men who are gonna encourage you and bless you in that journey.
[00:10:05] John Clark: Next question. How do you motivate an 18-year-old stepson that has recently graduated high school, with no plans or ambition to make it on his own? He has recently accepted Christ, and I know that his faith walk with Christ is suffering. He just wants to play video games, and he doesn’t seem to notice the little things he can do around the house to help his mom and I. I’m frustrated and don’t know how to communicate with him, that there is so much more to life than what he is doing. Every time I try to talk to him, he just dismisses me with the, yeah, sure, bruh.
[00:10:31] John Clark: There’s a lot going on here. Let me be Captain Obvious before I’m The Family Captain. The time to motivate your 18-year-old stepson, which we got more clarity from this brother, he’s been his stepson for 4 years. So I’m not hopeless, but I’m also realistic and understanding that the easiest time to pull the weed is right now. If you let this thing grow into a tree over the next 30 years, or the next 18 years, or whatever the case may be, it’s not impossible, but it’s not the same project, it’s not the same approach. And it’s also not a guarantee, whereas, things become much simpler when [00:11:00] things are much smaller.
[00:11:00] John Clark: So, if he really is in Christ, then that’s the angle I want to approach him from. Hey, Man, I just want to tell you again how excited I am about you walking with the Lord now. And I want to apologize to you that I just haven’t done a better job of getting involved and getting practical with you, and just walking with the Lord together, Man. Here’s something I want to do, is I want to start walking through this resource with you. Enter Bible study tool here, enter manhood devotional here, whatever. That’s my inroad, and if you’re always not going to go for any of that, then I’m going to go, I have serious doubts about whether or not this kid actually loves the Lord.
[00:11:29] John Clark: Because if he loves the Lord, I’m going to expect that he’s going to love Christian fellowship. It’s a big difference between him repeating a prayer. I’m not cynical, by the way, about any of that. The Lord saves people in all kinds of ways, all kinds of times, including repeating prayers after people. And yet, if we got 0.0% fruit, that’s concerning, right? Can we be honest about that? No fruit, bad fruit, those are concerns. Jesus told us that we should be fruit inspectors. First of all of our own, I don’t want to shame him or condemn him, he’s a typical teenager who hasn’t been shepherded.
[00:11:55] John Clark: Now, that’s largely on you, Bro. I don’t know all the details, I don’t know what happened there. [00:12:00] What have you been doing with him for the past 4 years? Why have you not been in his life when you had a 14-year-old? That’s much more pliable than 18. It’s not as pliable as an 8-year-old, or a 4-year-old, but 14’s better than 18. Let’s not get into regret, let’s not listen to the voice of the accuser, but let’s be honest about where this should have happened. But now, my inroad is, he walks with the Lord now, so I’m gonna treat him like he’s a Christian. I’m not gonna treat him like, he’s an idiot, and I’m not gonna treat him like, Hey, would you be interested in growing in your walk with the Lord?
[00:12:26] John Clark: I’m taking that for granted, and I’m assuming the close. I’m going, Hey, Man, so here’s one thing I want to start doing is Saturday mornings, I want to start walking through this with you, and I want to do this, that, and the other. And there’s this young man’s Bible study at the church. So, those are the kinds of things.
[00:12:39] John Clark: Now, if you say, he’s not open to any of that, then I’m going to point that out to him. What’s up with this? You have to call out the elephant in the room. Hey, Man, I thought you love the Lord now? I do. Okay, so what are you going to do about following him? Now that you’re a new creation, what are your next steps? I don’t know, dude. Then at that point, I’m just comfortable to treat him as in the way he’s acting. I’m not going to hold him to the standard of Christ follower, [00:13:00] because he’s not acting like one, but I still got to do something. And I think, your most likely path at this point is going to be, if he’s rejecting that and you don’t have any kind of leadership capital, you have no relational capital with this kid.
[00:13:11] John Clark: First of all, if you got no relational capital, then we’re in big trouble. There’s practically nothing you can do. Except for the final step, which is where a lot of guy’s minds went right away, kick him out. That’s not the first step. So, at the same time, when we do it now, acknowledge the reality that consequence is probably your most likely path forward. What else is there, apart from consequence? Hey, Seth, these are things that need to happen each week from now on, these are going to be your responsibilities. What if he doesn’t do it? That’s the point, you actually have to have power.
[00:13:40] John Clark: This is what authority does. Authority has the power, he has certain responsibilities. He doesn’t seem to notice, he doesn’t care, y’all been doing things for him his whole life, or you’ve at least been facilitating that. His mom doesn’t trust me, that’s a different conversation. We’ll talk about step-parenting in a second. But he’s gotten to this place, he’s got flesh, he’s lazy. He wants to do what he wants to do. He wants to build a fake world and video games, that all [00:14:00] make sense. It’s not crazy, it’s not foreign. So, what’s the path forward? It has to be a consequence, otherwise, we’re doing this at age 19, right? We’re doing this at age 20. We’re doing this at age 21.
[00:14:09] John Clark: By the way, I’m in no rush to kick my sons out of my home. My sons are absolute alpha giga chads, with all the rizz and all the aura. If we have any Gen Z listeners, they know what I’m talking about. I learned these things from my sons. So, my sons are absolute studs. They’re going to be manly men. They’re going to rule the world and I’m in no hurry. We’re like, you’re 18, time to leave. I’m like, we’ll see, we’ll take it a step at a time. They’re going to be responsible. They’re going to be manly. They’re going to have desires and ambitions and Christlike maturity. I’m not of the camp that’s like, they’re 18, go to school or go to the military, get out of my house.
[00:14:43] John Clark: We’ll navigate that as we get there. I do think there’s going to be challenges to having more than one man in any house. I think that’s going to be something that’s difficult to navigate, but I don’t think it’s impossible. So, we’ll see how much expertise I have. I’ve got a 16-year-old is my oldest right now. They have 4 years from now, you might say, John Michael, [00:15:00] you’ll be singing a different tune. I’m not of the camp that just says kick him out. And yet, the consequence is going to be your path forward, brother. So, it’s going to be boundaries, it’s going to be consequences.
[00:15:07] John Clark: So, now let’s talk about other stepkids because somebody else chimed in on this question and said, Hey, Man, I’d love for you to talk about stepparents in general, and when it comes to younger stepchildren in particular. So, the point I’ll add to you brothers who have younger stepkids is the most important thing is that you’ve actually got influence with your wife. And she’s not doing this thing where she’s guarding the kids from your authority. It’s like they’re her kids and she’s going to parent them without your input, or like you’re allowed to talk to her behind closed doors, that’s a big red flag situation.
[00:15:36] John Clark: So I’m in that, dang it, right now, what do I do? You’ve got to build influence with her, we’ve got to build leadership capital with her, and we have to start to name that thing. Because if you’re a healthy Christian man, you’re going to love those children, and you’re going to care for those children, and you’re not going to be willing to be sidelined. It’d be like Natalie trying to sideline me and fathering my boys. I don’t want you to go too far, that’s the anxieties of a woman that even happens, it’s their own kids, a mother does [00:16:00] that, why?
[00:16:00] John Clark: Because a mom is good at being a mom, but you know what a mom sucks at? She sucks at being a dad. Do you know what dads suck at? They suck at being moms. We let the anxieties of a mother rule the decisions of the father. When really, both are to speak into and go, Hey, could you please consider this, whenever you go deal with our son. Yes, baby. Thank you for bringing that up. For the husband to come to his wife, Hey baby, you need to handle this situation differently with him. Because I’m noticing this and his age and it’s time to make some separation here.
[00:16:27] John Clark: So, we welcome and we honor the nurturing gift in a mother. But we also welcome and honor the gift of independence and strength that a father brings, the roughhousing, the play that the mother wouldn’t do because someone could get hurt. And the father knows, this is just intuitively, this is how I’m supposed to act with my children.
[00:16:42] John Clark: So, that kind of guarding is going on between you and your stepchildren. You should actually love them enough to be willing to pursue and work through this situation. And if you’re not, then, bro, shame on you. Because a lot of stepdads are like disgruntled and pissed off at their wife and their stepkids, and they go around [00:17:00] grumpy about it.
[00:17:00] John Clark: And they got sidelined, but they accepted it. Because they don’t love the kids enough. And they actually just want the kids to get in line and not get in their way. And they wouldn’t say it that way, but functionally, that’s really what they love. They really wish that the other parent had custody, and that’s not a healthy Christian man.
[00:17:15] John Clark: If that’s you, then that’s something to repent of. So, what am I supposed to do, I’ve got younger stepkids. Brother, you’ve got to work through this with your wife and say, Hey, I have not shepherded Johnny well, and you’ve done some guarding and dividing between us, and I take some responsibility for that, and I just want you to know, I’m not going to let that happen anymore. I’m going to father him like he’s mine, and that’s going to mean X and Y and Z and so on and so forth. But of course, all the while keeps leveling up and being the man that she can actually respect and trust. What if she never respects and trusts me? We can’t be hostages, we have to move forward.
[00:17:46] John Clark: Tell me how to handle that. Brother, that’s why we do coaching. I can’t think of every possible scenario right now. All right, here we go, another one. I’m a newlywed, July 13th this year. Congratulations, brother. My man is a month in, and both my wife and I are 2 years [00:18:00] away from finishing college. We are both intimidated by the idea of having a child while still in college. That being said, my wife and I are both very eager to start a family of our own. My question is, is planning to have children something that we should even be worried about? No, don’t worry about anything, but let’s keep going.
[00:18:18] John Clark: With all the advice I’ve heard, it sometimes feels like getting pregnant just happens whenever God wills it, which I’ve learned is Christianese for, I have no clue, good luck. I’ve also heard Godly people who advocate strongly for having children as soon as possible and Godly people who are strongly against it. So, I guess it’s 2 questions. Number 1, should we be planning on when we want to have kids? And if so, what can we actually do about it? Brother, I can tell you to have kids. You have come to the right place, you’re in good hands. Number 2, would you recommend having children at this point in our lives?
[00:18:50] John Clark: For some more context, our relationship and marriage is thriving and has been since its inception. The marriage is thriving, that’s good to know. We’re a month in, we’ve known each other for almost 2 years now. [00:19:00] Christ has always been at the center of our relationship, and I’m confident that God will bring us through whatever comes, and make us stronger because of it. So, a couple of things, right out of the gate, Natalie and I, I’m ashamed to say, when we got married, we said, we were going to wait till we were 30 to have kids.
[00:19:14] John Clark: We were like typical millennials, just clueless. It wasn’t as sinister as much as it was ignorance. We loved the Lord and we loved each other. But we weren’t in a camp that put that kind of emphasis on it. Like, we didn’t have a camp a theological camp or background that was like, Hey, making babies is part of the Lord’s command for marriage. Like, if that happens, that’s great. And if not, that’s okay, too.
[00:19:36] John Clark: And then the reason I mentioned the millennial thing is because it’s a very common millennial thing like, we want to do our thing, we want to travel, we want to blah blah blah blah blah. We’re gonna worship at our own altar for a while before we actually walk in obedience to the Lord. So, there’s some ignorance there, and there’s just some cultural phenomenon going on in some social programming, I think. But we were gonna wait until we were 30 before we had kids, and Natalie was on birth control.
[00:19:59] John Clark: She [00:20:00] started birth control when we got married. And we had been married 6 months when she got pregnant. Because I’m just a high-powered man like that. No, truly, it was just the grace and sovereignty of God. I don’t think we would have made it to 30, I sure hope not. We got married at 22. I sure hope we wouldn’t have made it to 30. So, we were 23 with our firstborn and we’re so thankful for that. And since then I’ve grown and learned and my biblical conviction is that, I’m not saying, you have to conceive on your wedding night, and I’m not saying that all forms of birth control are sinful. There are certainly wicked forms of birth control.
[00:20:33] John Clark: There are pills that are essentially just abortion pills. As our gynecologist told us, early on, you could take this one, you could take this one. And this one works by a fertilized egg that is unable to attach to the bubble. And I said, time out, fertilized egg? And he goes, I understand how some people could have a personal, and I’m like, this is our gynecologist. This is the guy who’s supposed to be protecting our baby. Here’s how to have your monthly abortion, know what you’re doing, and don’t be ignorant, and don’t just be like, her parents [00:21:00] put her on it when she was 13, because it’s good for her.
[00:21:02] John Clark: Oh man, I’m so tempted to just rant on birth control and the wickedness of a lot of that goes behind that. But anyway, back to the root of it. Babies are a good thing, Man. And multiplying is a good thing, but I’m also not saying, that if you’re not sending it full send and trying to get pregnant on the wedding night, you’re in sin, I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe it’s also your responsibility to have as many babies as is humanly possible. To the couple who can’t have babies and is deliberately not having babies, I would say, what the heck? What are you doing? That is sinful, that is wrong.
[00:21:32] John Clark: What about you guys? What about right now? It really comes down to, what’s the purpose and the plan of the education. We’re both in college, why? Why are you in college? Are you in college for a very specific and obvious purpose? Are you in college for the general purpose that we all receive brainwashing on, if you don’t go to college, you’re gonna end up dead in a ditch. Because college is the key to all fruitfulness, happiness, and joy in life. So, that’s really the biggie. And I know that’s not an easy one to swallow. You got the money you’ve already spent, you’ve got the time you’ve invested, you’ve got the sunk cost fallacy [00:22:00] working there or, and so what’s the plan?
[00:22:03] John Clark: Y’all shouldn’t give your baby into someone else’s hands whenever the baby’s born, you should raise your own baby. So, your wife should be with your baby. So, I’m all for men being educated, I’m all for women being educated. But let’s also acknowledge that education does not equal 4-year university or degrees or anything else.
[00:22:19] John Clark: Education is just an ongoing education. I’m not going to force my sons to college, it’s one of the family values that the Clarks never stop learning and growing. So, you got to ask yourself some big questions there. I don’t know where your heart is, where your mind is regarding education. Maybe your mind is being blown right now. You’re like hadn’t even thought about that, but then my next question is like, what’s the vision for the future? What are we doing with this family culture, Man? And these are probably things you hadn’t thought about yet, and that’s okay, a month into my marriage, all I was thinking about was the typical, right?
[00:22:45] John Clark: I love God, I love her. Someday we’ll have kids. We’ll all go to heaven when we die. We’ll make some disciples along the way. And that’s not evil, what we just described, but it’s not the fullness of family leadership. It’s not the fullness of household and what God really intended [00:23:00] for all that can happen in a household. So there’s a lot of glory there, but you’ve got to start to develop some vision for where are we even going. Because I don’t like the plan of, waiting 2 years, and then we’ll see. What, so the diploma changes something? How was that, this college schedule?
[00:23:13] John Clark: Is the master of our life right now? I don’t love any of that, and that doesn’t sound like much of a plan. We’re gonna graduate and then we’re gonna what? Get good jobs? You could get a good job beforehand, you don’t have to wait for a college degree to do that. But then you’re gonna get your wife pregnant so she can come home with her degree and what exactly?
[00:23:28] John Clark: Again, I love educated homemakers, but do we have to have a degree to be a well-educated homemaker? So, those are the questions you got to answer, Man. Would I be afraid of having a baby at this point? Of course not. No, but I would want to understand what the priorities are, and I would want to make sure my wife would know what my expectations and priorities are, and I would want to make sure that we’re unified.
[00:23:49] John Clark: All things, by the way, that should have happened before you were married. Pre-marital counseling and the pastor going, Hey, what about this? What about this? Like, all these questions should have already been covered by your pastor, by the way. I would have been through all of this with you guys. [00:24:00] That wasn’t a comparison of me to him, I was just saying, as a pastor, I would have led you through all of that, and you should have been shepherded through all of that.
[00:24:05] John Clark: But you got to get unity and you got to have a plan, brother. You got to leave with vision and not just go, Hey, what do you want? What do I want? You lead the way, you’re the husband and you need to start stating direction for what you really want. Don’t hesitate to have babies if you want to have a baby, but we’re not handing this baby off to daycare, your wife can go to her 9 a.m. class. So, those are important things to think through.
[00:24:24] John Clark: How do you become the lighthouse of the family? I feel like I know how, but what steps does it take to get there? I still find myself reacting to my wife’s mood a lot of the time. If she is down in the dumps, then I am too, and I try to keep the kids quiet, so she doesn’t lash out at them. So, I want to speak to the very practical scenario there, just to give you some conviction on it.
[00:24:46] John Clark: But then I’ll zoom back again and go, now let’s look at the big picture instead of just the scenario. And that kind of situation, if you feel like, you got to keep the kids quiet so your wife doesn’t lash out of them, you and your kids are hostages in that moment to an emotional terrorist.
[00:24:58] John Clark: John Michael, don’t call my wife an emotional [00:25:00] terrorist. I’m not saying she is as an identity, but I’m saying in that moment, y’all are experiencing emotional terrorism, fair enough? It is fair enough, that’s putting it nicely. Oh my goodness, don’t make mama scared. That already shows, as you acknowledge, that you’re not the lighthouse, she is the one that everybody else has to move around. So, what is the lighthouse? The lighthouse is firmly planted, and everyone else has to move around. The lighthouse is not moving.
[00:25:20] John Clark: What really needs to happen is daddy needs to be another analogy? Metaphor? Simile? Whatever. Another comparison is the thermostat versus the thermometer. So, your wife is the thermostat, I’m mad, and everybody goes, Oh, okay, we’ll adjust the temperature to accommodate your madness. And instead of daddy being the thermostat and saying, Oh, if somebody’s mad and they pooped their own pants, they pooped their own pants. But we’re not all gonna be hostages. We’re not gonna poop our pants too.
[00:25:46] John Clark: We’re not gonna pretend that we all pooped our pants. Oh, we pooped our pants too, so you’re not alone. We’re not doing that because it’s dishonest, it’s cowardly, it’s not loving to your children, it’s also not loving to your wife. It’s also not loving to you, which, by the way, you should love yourself according to the [00:26:00] Bible.
[00:26:00] John Clark: You should love your wife as you love yourself. Scriptures take for granted that you love yourself, even that a husband would love himself. I didn’t write it in there, it’s crazy. It’s been there the whole time. So, let’s acknowledge all that and call it what it is, it’s not good at all. How do you start to shift that? How do you start to change that? Man, it’s not one thing, it’s everything. If you’ve been around The Family Captain with any length of time, then you’ve already heard a million examples and possibilities. I’m not gonna just rehash them all.
[00:26:22] John Clark: It comes down to revelation, brother. Revelation, guys, leads to conviction. Once I have a revelation in my heart, now I have conviction. And then conviction is what leads to discipline, to actually carry it out. Sometimes, the person who’s holding the whole family hostage, with their grumpiness, and everybody’s playing, walking on eggshells.
[00:26:39] John Clark: You need to do the opposite. Sometimes you need to go, Hey, I know you’re really in a bad mood. The kids and I are not in a bad mood, so we’re still going to be in here playing this game and no, we’re not going to be silent. And yes, they’re going to continue to giggle or whatever. Like, you have to go face to face, you have to go toe to toe with that thing, instead of you know, y’all are having fun in the other room, she’s like, quiet down. And again, I [00:27:00] don’t have details, so I’m just throwing a hypothetical. Y’all knock it off, you go, Oh, we gotta be quiet. Mom’s mad, so we all have to what, shut up?
[00:27:07] John Clark: We’re not gonna deliberately be obnoxious, but we’re not gonna stop living. You pooped your pants, so you deal with your pants, but we don’t have to change the way we’re living or we’re doing things. We don’t have to run away either. Is there a compassionate approach to this? Yeah, sometimes the compassionate approach is pointing out, Hey, we’re in your plane, we’re gonna do our thing.
[00:27:24] John Clark: Oh my goodness, John Michael, if I said that, then what, brother? Then what? Then she would get so mad. She’s already so mad. But then, she would what? What? What would happen? She would stab you 87 times with a knife? So a lot of times, if you’ll keep pulling the thread and you’ll keep asking yourself, and then what? And then what? You’ll find, it’s just nothing more than she’ll get mad. Which reveals, what, for you? What is the real root of your issue here? People pleasing? Nice guyism? Cowardice? Fear of man? I do it to keep the peace. But you don’t have peace, it’s not peace. Be willing to embrace the friction.
[00:27:57] John Clark: Or continue to train your sons to be [00:28:00] terrified of women, and people in general. And continue to train your daughters to control their husbands someday. Think through all of the consequences here, and what do you actually want? What kind of family culture do you want? Are you willing to do what’s necessary to pursue it? So that she goes, Oh, she gets mad at me. She wouldn’t talk to me for 3 days. Good. That’s what needs to happen. Oh my goodness, that would tear me apart. So that means you’re continually orbiting around her. She is the center of your life instead of Christ, which explains why you have cowardice and you’re afraid.
[00:28:25] John Clark: I don’t condemn you. I’m just being very frank in the assessment of the situation, instead of patting you on the fan and you’re like, yeah, it can be really difficult. There’s no way around it. Now, we teach flanking, right? Jocko talks about, we don’t just always approach a heavily fortified position head-on. It’s wise to flank and come from other angles. And yet, if we’re dealing with regularly scheduled, emotional terrorism, dude, there’s a time to just be like, in the workplace, in the marriage, in the household, to go stop. That’s not gonna work anymore. And they go, Oh my goodness, what’s going on here? So, you got to have a revelation.
[00:28:58] John Clark: Revelation will build conviction, and the conviction [00:29:00] will lead to the discipline to actually carry out a million things. You also need to be a man on a mission. What do you want? Is your vision big enough? Are your convictions stronger than your wives? They need to be. Your conviction needs to be stronger than your wife’s conviction for life, and for what’s next, and for what’s best because she’s not leading you anywhere good. But you are following her when you participate in these behaviors.
[00:29:19] John Clark: It’s another crummy night, it’s another lame weekend. And the kids are growing up, and now they’re gonna deal with this in their marriage like, you know when mom would get mad, it would be like this and be like that. And they have that same thing instead of calling it out so that it can be repented of, I can’t control her.
[00:29:33] John Clark: That’s true, but the one thing you need to stop doing is submitting to it. So, we can’t control anybody. But the one thing you have got to do is you must stop submitting to this behavior. And that’s what you do when the grumpy co-worker comes in. Everybody’s like, Frank’s in a mood today, take it easy. I’m like, I’m not gonna go in there and go nuclear on Frank. That would be the other, that’s an egotistical response as well. Oh, Frank’s? Frank’s, no. Oh, Frank’s panties are in a bunch. Huh? Okay, let me show you who the real alpha of this [00:30:00] office is. And then I go in there like, Hey, Frank, shape up, buddy.
[00:30:03] John Clark: Okay, you’re obviously triggered as well. Instead of, No, I’m just going to keep doing me. I’m just going to keep going about my day. So, I’m going to go in there like a normal, Hey, Frank, good morning, Man. Have you been able to get those things done yet? No, I haven’t because blah, blah, blah. Whoa, Frank, what’s up, man? You come in here, blah, blah. I’m not gonna take the gossip into account. And I’m willing to be compassionate if Frank is willing to be humble if maybe Frank’s been diagnosed with cancer and nobody in the freaking office is even bothered to ask.
[00:30:30] John Clark: And he’s super discouraged, and super mad, and super overwhelmed with life. Who knows? So, I’m not going to shame and condemn him, but I’m also not going to be a hostage to him. And if all I get from him is ugliness and harshness, then I’m just going to go, Hey, Frank, I have a personal standard of not interacting with people this way.
[00:30:45] John Clark: This is inappropriate and unprofessional, dude. So bro, if you want to talk, we can talk, but it ain’t gonna work like this. And then, so now what do I do? I withdraw my presence, and Frank is left there going, what was that about? And he might try and barge in my office. He goes, listen here, [00:31:00] mother blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:31:01] John Clark: Frank, this ain’t flying, Man. I’m not interacting with anybody this way. So, what have I done? I haven’t controlled Frank at all, but I haven’t allowed Frank to control me. No one-upping from me, no dominance from me, just me controlling me. How do you beat a lighthouse? Bro, stop walking in obedience to nonsense. That would be the first step. We don’t negotiate with terrorists, whether they are Islamic terrorists, Emotional terrorists, or anything else in between. Or a 2-year-old terrorist, those are also emotional terrorists.
[00:31:31] John Clark: We’ll wrap it up, we’ll close with this one. How do you gently decline low-quality affection? I teach that you should, by the way, decline low-quality affection from your wife. We need to define that, we’ll do that in a minute. He said, in my mind, the most common areas this shows up in relationships is the sympathy sex. Or more specifically, a wife saying something to the tune of, I feel bad because we haven’t been very intimate, but I still don’t exactly want to do anything sexy tonight. But I guess I’m willing to if you really want to. And then proceeds [00:32:00] to lay there while the husband does his thing. Let’s define low-quality affection.
[00:32:05] John Clark: There’s 2 categories here we need to be really clear about, when I talk about low-quality affection, what I’m referring to is a heart posture that’s inside of a wife. This is an ugliness from her heart that is manifesting physically through her body. This could show up when you lean in for a kiss. This could show up when you go in for a hug, and this could show up during sexual initiation and there’s no limit. Like, you could reach over to hold her hand while you’re driving, it could be all kinds of things. But whenever you get low-quality affection, and you perceive that it’s from the heart, then that is something that you should decline.
[00:32:34] John Clark: This is not the same thing as a loving and submissive wife who is exhausted. Bless her heart, truly exhausted. And you’re saying, Hey, beautiful, I got plans for us later, to have some quality time in the sheets. And she goes, Oh, baby, I am so exhausted, but you know what? I want to give my best to you, and yeah, let’s do that.
[00:32:57] John Clark: She might not use that exact script, but the [00:33:00] spirit of the thing is, I love my husband not, Oh, the Bible says I got to. You can see the difference there, right? We can imagine that would show up differently. It’s the kid who you say, go to your room, and go clean your room and they go, fine. And they walk into the room and you go, they obeyed me. Did they? Was that the right heart? Was that the right attitude? Versus, Hey, buddy, go clean your room. Yes, sir and he goes and cleans his room. Are those 2 scenarios equal? We’re not morons, are we? We’re not idiots, right?
[00:33:25] John Clark: No, those things aren’t equal. So, when it comes to marriage, the problem is oftentimes men have so low of a standard of self-respect, and men are so often controlled by their sexual urges, that they will accept scraps. And the reason that many of you are receiving scraps from your wife is because you have been accepting scraps for so long. You haven’t leveled up into a man that she wants to please, and you’re going, I’ll take whatever I can get. Which is why you get whatever you get. So, declining low-quality affection is not rebuking the wife who’s going, who, I am exhausted, but yeah, baby, I don’t know if we’ll be swinging from the chandeliers tonight, I’ll give you what I got.
[00:33:58] John Clark: That is a sweet [00:34:00] and loving wife who says I’m here for my husband. And that’s a beautiful thing. And we’re not to go, you know what? Nevermind. We’ll try again another time, little lady, like that would be a harsh cruelty to that wife. And that would be wrong, and you deserve rebuke in that scenario. But what we are talking about is the, Hey, beautiful, I got plans for us this evening. I don’t feel like it, Bill. babe, it’s been a week, fine. That is the moment where you should go, you know what? Nevermind. Do you see what I did with my face? All of that was part of your coaching in that moment, brothers.
[00:34:29] John Clark: You know what, babe? Nevermind. That’s it, you don’t have to say another word. And you know what’s about to be said next? A bunch of craziness is coming your way next, why? Because the gender with the bigger ego has just experienced something that she’s probably never experienced in your entire marriage. And that was you declining her crappy scraps, her crappy 1% battery life, and her crappy heart attitude. Really, I should have said that part first. Her crappy heart attitude that resulted in all these other things. And you go, you know what? What did you show there? What is that face showing? Isn’t that some [00:35:00] disgust? Isn’t that some, ugh.
[00:35:01] John Clark: Hey, you want some oily brussel sprouts? You know what? No thanks. I said I was hungry for a meal, but, you know what? I don’t want that. I thought you wanted food! Yeah, I do, but not that. We’ll try again another time. What’s gonna happen is, she’s probably gonna respond at that point, and again, that’s a whole nother coaching scenario.
[00:35:19] John Clark: But, what are you supposed to do? You’re not responsible for her responses, you’re responsible for yours. What is this? Is this a game? Is this a trick? No. This is a man who actually has a standard of the quality of affection he wants from his wife. So, you go in for a hug and your wife stands there like a ruler, deliberately not being receptive, deliberately rejecting penetration, physical penetration, I don’t mean sexual, but just penetration of her body, she’s not willing to receive her husband’s penetration. So, you should always be penetrating your wife emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and that doesn’t just equal sex. Of course, that would be part of it.
[00:35:52] John Clark: But anyway, she’s showing you that she’s rejecting that. So, you go in for the hug, Hey, my baby. And you go to hug her and she’s standing there. And that moment, you don’t hang on to her [00:36:00] like a clingy friend in the friend zone. in that moment, you can hold her shoulders and lean back. What’s up, babe? What? I’m just, you’re hugging me, what? Kiss on the forehead and move on. Bro, you just spoke a million words. You just showed I don’t accept that low-quality affection. And you didn’t have to turn it into a lecture. And you didn’t even have to say all those words. So, that’s gentle, that is a gentle decline of that. And then, what you’re very likely going to experience is a following through the house at that point of, what’s going on?
[00:36:28] John Clark: You acted like I did something wrong. And then you gotta be honest, brother, and be willing to step with both feet into the thing, and not be the little coward who got his hand caught in the cookie jar. I acted like I had some strength and some emotional resiliency, but I really didn’t.
[00:36:40] John Clark: What’s wrong, Bill? Nothing. You hugged me. I don’t know. I was being an idiot, I’m sorry. It was the best hug you ever gave, honey. We’re not cowards, and we’re not liars, and we have a standard for how we want to be hugged. You can’t control anybody and make them hug you. No, you can’t, but you can control what you receive. And what do you participate in, right? I didn’t let Frank cuss me out of the office. Hey, Frank, I don’t roll like this, brother. This is totally [00:37:00] unfruitful and totally unproductive. Don’t tell me what to do. All right, Frank, I won’t tell you what to do.
[00:37:03] John Clark: I’ll just tell you I won’t be participating. So, I’m going to go back to work while you do whatever it is you’re going to do. You can’t control Frank, John Michael, no, and I didn’t. You can’t control your wife. Absolutely, you can’t control anybody. Can you control you is the question though, because you can and should control you. It’s actually one of the fruits of the spirit.
[00:37:18] John Clark: In that moment, she’s probably going to have objections, why? Because her ego has been wounded. You’re the guy who accepts everything. How dare you not accept the scraps from the almighty female that you’re married to. I’m using hyperbole here. I’m speaking in exaggerations and I’m talking about like a low-level scenario in my opinion, like not a strong marriage where this is happening. But the coaching is the same, whether you’re a level 10 and your wife’s just having a fleeting moment.
[00:37:38] John Clark: And she shows you that, you reach to hold her hand, and she’s just like dead fish. You just go, Oh, never mind that then. You could say that even with a joyful tone. You reach over to hold her hand, but she’s deliberate. It’s not an accident, this is when you know that there’s a heart motive going on here and she’s trying to punish you with her poor physical affection.
[00:37:55] John Clark: This is a weaponization of her body and a withholding of her affection to [00:38:00] punish you because you didn’t do what she wanted you to do earlier today. This is not the same thing. This is deliberate emotional manipulation where she’s like, I’m not receiving you. And you just go, Oh, never mind then. And then she goes, what? And you go, you weren’t receiving me. So, I wasn’t going to keep giving if you’re not going to receive.
[00:38:15] John Clark: That doesn’t make any sense. It does, it makes perfect sense. She gets it, she knows it, but she’s offended and she’s triggered because you’re calling it out. And you’ve never done that before. Are you gonna do this all the time now? Cause now she’s gonna have to call that out. I don’t know what’s going on with you, Bill, but I don’t like it. You seem so cocky. You seem so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All the gaslighting proceeds at that point because how dare you deny her? The thing that she didn’t even want.
[00:38:35] John Clark: But what did she want? She wanted power over you and she’s had it for a long time, at least in those scenarios. So, that’s why we decline low-quality affection. You lean in for a kiss and she’s, and you can keep it light. It’s not heavy rebuke, Man. The thermostat of your home should be set to joy.
[00:38:48] John Clark: So in these moments, my coaching is intense and I’m an intense guy, but like all this stuff is, you’re a happy-go-lucky, joyful swagger, out of your having a good time kind of guy, living a life on [00:39:00] mission, full of conviction, full of love for the Lord, full of love for your wife. You lean in for, Hey, beautiful, and you get the nothing kiss.
[00:39:05] John Clark: You go, What was that? You say that, what was that? And you go, what was that kiss? That was the worst kiss ever. I can’t believe you said that to me. Oh, believe it, I said it. It was terrible, love you baby. Boom, moving on. Oh, my wife would what? Get mad? Oh, no. Now, was she gonna not kiss you? We already had that, everything will be all right. So, we’ll close it out with talking about sex. So, whenever you go to initiate sexually and she gives the whole, Oh, and you get the sense that there’s this ugly heart attitude where she’s like, please don’t make me do this.
[00:39:34] John Clark: You go, Hey, you know what, babe? It doesn’t always have to be discussed. It depends on what the reaction is you got, but if she’s just like, Oh, all right. That’s not what I want, babe. So, I want you to be there. I want you to be present. I will, of course, now attraction’s gone. Why? Because she’s being disrespectful and you can’t be attracted to a woman who’s disrespectful to you. And if you are, that’s some brokenness in you that you need to respect yourself more, if you can be aroused while being disrespected, [00:40:00] that ain’t right.
[00:40:01] John Clark: Something’s broken. Because in fact, the opposite should be true. You should be aroused when your wife is respectful. Because it is super beautiful and super feminine. Even though she might not be wearing your favorite lingerie, her beautiful, respectful behavior is Hoo, dang. That’s hot. Physical appearance matters as well, but the whole spirit about her is really important. If there’s the hard attitude, you’ve got a million different ways to decline it gently. Hey, you know what, babe? Actually, let’s try again tomorrow. You know what, I want my girl when her battery’s full.
[00:40:29] John Clark: Not when she’s down to her last 3%. Hear what you did there? That was sweet, that was gentle. You gave her the out, and she’s like, no, I said we can. Yeah, I know babe, I want your best. I might not be able to do that tomorrow either. Hey, baby I guess, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. See what you’re doing there? She wants to take it into a fight, why? Because she needs to justify and defend herself and excuse herself, but we’re not gonna go down, we’re not getting off the interstate.
[00:40:48] John Clark: We’re not taking that exit to go get murdered in the woods. We’re just gonna stay right here. Hey, baby, we’ll try again tomorrow. Love you, my girl. And boom, you’re gonna move on, go read your book, go build, go tend the garden that the Lord has given to you [00:41:00] to tend and to keep and to thrive in.
[00:41:01] John Clark: Guys, good questions, we got a ton more that we didn’t hit. We’re gonna keep on, we’ll do episodes like this from time to time, we’ll come in and do some Q & A, continue to serve you well through that. Join the Facebook group if you haven’t already, and thank you guys for everybody who submitted the questions. I love answering them, I love helping you, and I love being a blessing.
[00:41:19] John Clark: And hopefully, next week, I won’t be flying solo. Hopefully, we’ll have Christian back in here. So, we’ll have the dynamic duo, the Mayor of Memphis. But I love you brothers. Until next time, go captain your ship.
